Navigating The Decision Making

01 Nov 2022 - Tanmay Jha

If you are struggling with this decision, or thinking about moving back, here are some scenarios which you should think about -

You should look at the pros and cons sections, and identify “deal-breakers”. While there are plenty of cons with moving to India, most of them are not deal breakers, especially if they concern factors not particularly important to you or if there are work arounds to mitigate the pain. That said, depending on you, some restrictions may not be acceptable, whether its concerns around safety or pollution or anything else. You should be clear about exactly what you are not willing to put up with, and research if there are any workarounds.
At the same time, identify “strong reasons” for moving to India. The whole exercise is highly disruptive, and comes with its own set of frustrations and downsides. You need to have a strong reason for your move, whether its gaining permanence, being closer to family, ability to take risks, finding a feeling of belonging or anything else. This will also help you carry through when things becoming frustrating/overwhelming. If you can’t figure out a strong reason, then perhaps this isn’t the right time for you to move.
Indian society is still much more socially conservative than the US on many issues. You will run into resistance on issues such as live-in relationship before marriage, renting a flat as a bachelor, going out alone for stuff, being unmarried etc. The resistance you face will vary depending on the city and the neighborhood that you live in, but the resistance will be there. If you are a part of a stigmatized group, like being homosexual, the strong social stigma here may very well be a dealbreaker for you. Some stigmas have reduced with time, like getting divorced, but they are still there.
If your family is not fully onboard with the decision, absolutely don’t move back! It is a challenging transition, and if you force them to move to back they will resent you. You need buy-in from your family.
If you are extremely independent, if you don’t like answering to family or society, want to be left alone for the most part to do what you want to do, and are fiercely independent in navigating both good times and bad times, then US life may be intrinsically more suitable for you. In India, interference from family and society is a fact of life. At the same time keep in mind that you also gain a safety net from having family nearby to navigate crises or challenging situations. You cede some independence in return for support, but if that’s anathema to you then you may have trouble settling in. Its still possible to have an independent life in India, but you will face more resistance and scrutiny.
No regrets - This one is important. Once you have made your decision, thought it over and discussed it with friends/family etc., you have to commit to it. Like most important decisions in life, this one also involves a little leap of faith. You have to stick to it through the frustrating moments that change brings, and not start trying to run back the moment things get tough. You have to give it time (remember Anderson’s rule - a month for each year you were away) before you can look back and decide whether it was worth it. And just like you did when you first moved to the US, you have to be ready to adapt and roll with the punches. The transition gets much easier if you treat it like moving to a new country rather than moving home. I am fairly certain that once you are settled in, you will like it here. In the off chance that you don’t, its important to understand that you made the best choice you could with the information you had. Its okay to move again in a year or so if you don’t like it here, or if a better opportunity comes along. What’s important is to that you gave it a fair shot and a fair amount of time. Even if it didn’t work out, enjoy the good bits and then move on.
Comparing - Comparison is unavoidable, but make sure you are comparing the right thing when you are trying to make a decision. Yes, India has a lot of problems around infrastructure, social issues etc, and is a fairly poor country. And yes, the average Indians’ standard of living is much lower than the average Americans’. But the averages don’t matter here. You are trying to determine how much better or worse aspects of your life will be. If you don’t have substantial debt, have a high paying tech job, and are in a financially strong position, your life in India is going to be nothing like the average Indian’s. You can enjoy the good parts, and avoid most of the bad parts.